Blended families……. Did you know that second marriages that involve children from a previous marriage have a 60-70% chance of failing!? That is almost double the chances of your first marriage failing! I had no idea that number was so high! After recently reading “Stepmother - A memoir” , It made me look more into the stats about blended families & to reflect a little more on my first year plus of blended familyhood. Hopefully my story and tips will help someone else in their own journey!
I’m sure you know what a blended family is, but let’s pretend you don’t! I googled it and the definition plainly says “a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships.” And at it’s core - that’s definitely true. But, I'd say it’s a little more complex than that! Think about all the other people that come with an ex (but they just never leave!) Example: Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc. In most cases, we aren’t only integrating a new child into our life, but we are involving the whole crew that comes with them!
I really, like -- REALLY thought it would be easy. I still laugh at the conversation I had with Drew about us moving in together. A few months into our new life together, I said, “I can’t believe how hard this has been”. He laughed at me. Looked me right in the face and laughed! I didn’t totally get it then, but now I’m like umm, yeah girl you were crazy to think this was going to be a cake walk! Ava, who was five at the time, was an only child - Just like Laylen. Both the stars, center of attention, and the funniest kids in their house (all of this centered around getting all the attention, love and affection from their parents). Merging these two together was a challenge, not to mention that Drew and I also moved into together and that’s a BIG deal. I won’t lie, I was kind of like “this is the one, so it will work. We love each other and we can overcome anything together” - naive? Idk. But, super optimistic at best LOL!
So, Here we have a new couple (if you read my first post, you know that we’ve known each other for over 10 years, but we had only been dating - long distance at that - for less than a year and a half) who wanted to put these two girls (ages 2 & 5) together and think we’d just have it all figured out. Well - surprise! We didn’t! We parented differently, had different visions for discipline, and really struggled to make sure we were communicating effectively. Keyword: EFFECTIVELY.
We are STILL working through this - everyday - we are still talking about how we can be better partners and parents! I am sure lots of parents do this in a first marriage with their own children, but it’s a little more challenging when you have kids who say things like “You aren’t my dad” or “Well, my dad said” … :)
That being said - here’s some of my tips to avoid becoming a statistic. Some more easily accomplished than others, but hey - we have to start somewhere.
Ready for your tips?
1. Communicate. Like, be brutally honest in a respectful way. We have had some ugly conversations (& still do!) that really reveal our true, darkest feelings. Those things that you say in your head or the back of the closet to yourself - don’t act like you haven’t lol!
2. If step one is a struggle, talk to a therapist. I personally have had a therapist on and off for the last five years. I love having someone to talk to! My last therapist opened my eyes a lot to how I could better evolve in my current role as step mom and partner. (quick plug for Talk Space) You might also get a few free visits through your employers EAP (employee assistance program - ask your insurance or HR contact for info). Don’t be too shy or too proud to seek outside help! Your kid(s) may even want to go!
3. Talk to your kids. Listen to how they are feeling and pay attention to what triggers them. Example: I know that they both love and seek one on one attention (completely normal) but in the beginning, that was hard for Laylen to accept but necessary for me to bond with Ava. &... This one is hard to swallow, but the new kids don’t have to like you (and likely won’t right away or once the honeymoon phase is over)! They should respect you and you should work towards love and compassion, but it’s not a requirement that they like you. Don’t shoot the messenger.
4. Agree on how to parent and on your discipline tactics. Then, make sure the rules are the same for everyone. This one can get sticky depending on the age and comprehension of the children, but this is an ever evolving one that needs to be adhered to. Make sure the discipline is also age appropriate, but ultimately - if you show favoritism, it will not help your journey!
5. It’s all about the kids - so be a kind co-parent! My personal feelings on this is - kids should NEVER be the messenger and should NEVER hear you say something bad about their mom or dad. As an adult, I know people can test you, but you are an adult and you have to figure out how to deal. If this is a challenge for your family, refer back to #2. Your kids all deserve a peaceful home and outings as a family. That means, find a way to sit together for her softball game! Find a way to go to the zoo together! Whatever your activity is - your kids will love you for it and when they see the continuity - they will feel less anxiety! I know this one takes time, but set a goal and if you can talk to the other parent, make it a point to make this happen.
5. Last, but not least, keep your relationship strong. Keep going on dates, go on a solo vacation (or staycation), watch a movie together after the kids go to bed. Whatever helps to keep you bonded to your partner and keep the love thriving. There are other ways to do that too - if you know what I mean :)! But, bottomline is: don’t forget that these kids need you two in sync and happy!
Alright, that’s as many tips as I wanted to share and although I’m far from an expert - These have helped us so much. I am thankful for a partner that is level headed and listens to me. It takes lots of time, trial and error, tears, some hurt feelings and definitely lots of love to make it through all these bumps in the road! I’m sure in a few more years, this post will be funny to me too because so much has changed and my new lessons have been learned!
Send me your tips, thoughts, and experiences in the comments below! It truly takes a village!